Otacon: Snake, don't you think you should try venturing out of the house?

Snake: What the hell do you mean? I've got everything I need: *ehem* those magazines, beer, pizza..

Otacon: Yes but I think you're getting a little bored

Snake: No I'm not! *pulls a cardboard box over his head and runs around laughing and yelling "you can't see me"

Otacon: I think that's a little unhealthy Snake...

Snake: Fineeeee... *pulls out pistol and starts aiming at various moving targets outside, a scream is heard, followed by "Johnny, Johnny what the hell's happened? Speak to me!...ahh never really liked him anyway"* **At that point Otacon yells and drags Snake out**

***Later outside***

Otacon: Look Snake I have these tickets to a show featuring the latest weapons, Raiden gave them to me, at least it'll be interesting for you.

Snake: OK but I spent all my money on, err... erm... flowers- yes! That's it! Flowers to brighten the flat up. *Thinks to himself, damn that was lame!*

Otacon: *Sighs* Snake you haven't spent it all in a place called "Bad Girls- Good Times" again have you? *Notices snakes smirking* SNAKEEE!

Snake: Heh-heh, best £50 I spent this week mutters to himself- oh yeah, oh baby mmm...

Otacon: SNAKKEEE!!

Snake: Okay, okay, flipping heck I'm sorry ok?!

Otacon: Now how are we going to get there, I spent he last of my money on spider man stuff, he-he spider man, such a cool guy, all spidery and

Snake: SHUT UPPPPPPP ARGHHHHH!

Otacon: So how do we get there?

Snake: *smirks at Otacon and looks at boxes in doorway* Same way I get everywhere...

*As a bus pulls up to let people on, a very tired driver rubs his eyes as he sees two walking boxes enter the bus, he mutters to himself, "bloody hell I don't think I should be driving this thing in this state..."*

*On the bus*

Snake: Damn that kid over there, he keeps on going to blow our cover, and what's more, the screaming brat smells of snot!

Otacon: Snake have you ever thought the only reason you don't get noticed in a box is because no-one would believe anyone could be that stupid, and so they think they must be going insane.

Snake: Hmmm Works either way... Damn I had some fun with that box... *Starts smirking*

*The kid proceeds to snot all over Snakes box and pick holes in it, at which snake seems to of had too much and starts to get out his gun, Otacon starts to get worried, and Snake pokes out the gun though the hole in the box so only the kid can see it...*

Snake: Freeze!!

*The kid freezes and looks like he's going to wet himself- he does- a yellow patch slowly appears on his trousers, The kid sniffles "please don't kill me" and snake aims the tranquillizer dart gun at his head and fires- at which a girl yells "Hey thanks box with legs, now he smells even more!! But at least he's quiet I suppose." The box yells back "Yeah they're cute when they're sleeping" *

*Everyone is silent for the rest of the journey, except for the freaky girl who finds the fact one young kid has now started shaking and rocking back and forth in terror amusing.*

**The bus pulls up to the studio and Snake and Otacon meet Raiden and proceed to enter into the studio**

Snake: *Notices pink fluffy chairs* are you sure you got the right tickets Raiden?

Raiden: Yeah, Haha the guy who sold them to me had the stupidest hair...

Snake: *Ominously* You didn't say anything about it did you?

Raiden: Haha, I burnt him good, haha

Otacon: *sighs* Oh you big idiot...

Raiden: Huh?

Otacon: I don't think we have the tickets you thought *looks round and points to a well-muscled guy wearing an army uniform, but without a top*

Raiden: Yeah... He's in an army uniform..

Otacon: HE'S CAMP!!!

Raiden: *looks confused* hmmm... *thinks to himself "I don't get it..."*

 

Snake: NO WAY, Nuh uh, BYEeeeeeeeee, We're outta here, I hate that show...

*Notices scantily clad women walking though the door*

Snake: Or do I... Hel-looo *follows dumbstruck into the studio, drooling, muttering oh yeah baby, shake it good...*

* Our bemused hero's find their seats and the familiar theme tune comes on*

Graham Norton: HELLllooooo my lovely audience

Raiden: I am rather lovely aren't I. *Turns round and checks out his butt* Tell me morreee about myself...

Graham Norton: Hmm.. yes you are... *thinks, "Freak..."*

*Snake looks disturbed*

Graham: *does funny little laugh* Who's your mullet haired friend then? Anyone tell him the 80's are over?

Snake: *gets out his pistol shoots at Graham who shields himself with a pink fluffy clipboard* You wanna say that again..?

Graham: Okayyy moving on... Everyone stand up please, now, sit down if you have had a problem relationship... I'm talking reaallllllly strange.

*Various people talk to Graham about pee, egg whisks and bondage (it's that type of show...)

*Then Graham notices Otacon...*

Graham: You don't look the type... But it's always the quiet ones...

Otacon: I had this thing with a suicidal maniac...

*Audience goes silent*

Otacon: - Who had an unhealthy relationship with wolves...

*Audience is still silent for a moment but then Snake sniggers and the crowd starts laughing*

Otacon: I think she loved the wolves more than me, it was always rover this, rover that, rover's got a car, look at the necklace rover brought me... *He sobs but no-one comforts him- they just back away.*

Graham: (Mockingly) Rover sounds soooooooo rude!

Otacon: Oh he is, or was... *thinks back to when he threw Rovers favourite toy into the M25, hears beeeeeppppp beeeeeppppp a skidding sound then.... squish, splat, * *He starts to laugh evilly...* Mwahhh haaa haaa haa...

Graham: *Gives Otacon a funny look, then notices Fatman* Ah I think we found the answer to who ate all the pies...

Fatman: Grow fat and laugh...

Graham: Yessss... *thinks the audience is realllly weird tonight, now when I say someones weird thats really bad.....*

Fatman: Ok ok, I have a problem relationship.

Graham: Thats what were talking about...

Fatman: With food... *breaks down crying...* I haven't seen my dick in 2 years, I got more chins than a Chinese phone book, I eat because I'm unhappy...and I'm unhappy because I eat, its a viscous circle... And my skates have broke from the enormous weight!! *Wails* I loved those skates, they made me a hit with the chicks...Nothings sexier than a fat man on roller skates... *starts singing sexy man sexy man skating like only a sexy man can*

Graham: I agreeee on that... ... YOURE A FREAK!!!!

Fatman: "Oh, I'm a hard case" he thinks! (louder) Well, listen up, sonny Jim: I ate a baby! Yeah, Baby: the other OTHER white meat! Baby: it's what's for lunch! And guess whats for dinner - Bombs!!

Graham: Now Im going to organise some nice people to come and help you ...

*Sirens are heard and men carry out Fatman, it takes 20 in all, they put him in a straight-jacket but the fat bulges out and bursts it, he eats two of the men and runs out laughing manically.*

Graham: Now this is getting weird, ooh fun... Now just time for one more... *Sees Psycho Mantis in his usual gear sitting next to a sheep in leather* Im not going to even go there...

Raiden: *Leans over to sheep* Hey baby... Nice perm...

*Otacon pulls him back and slaps him.*

Raiden: Hey what was that for?

Otacon: Just because...

*After the talk to the audience section of the show the audience stops applauding and quietens, waiting for Graham to continue with the next part of the show*

Graham: After that lovely section we must move on to the next... Hes the man, you may find yourself chanting, its the king of the hillbillies- Jerry Springer!

*Jerry walks out accompanied by the scantily clad women Snake saw earlier, waves to the audience, and greets Graham*

Snake: *Chants* WE LOVE LESBIANS, WE LOVE LESBIANS, WE LOVE LESBIANS!!!!!

Graham: Would mullet man over there please shut up?

Snake: *Chants* SHUT YOUR FACE, SHUT YOUR FACE, SHUT YOUR FACE !!!!

Graham: MULLET!!!!! SHUT UP!!

Snake: Actually its Solid Snake...

Graham: Look, we dont need to know how solid your snake is, its not that kind of show - no wait actually it is...

*Snake flashes back to school days- To remember himself asking why do you all make fun of me? and Otacon laughing haha Solid Snake, Snakes got a Solid Snake, ha ha...*

Otacon: Ha ha - Solid Snake, Snakes got a Solid Snake, ha ha...

Raiden: I dont get it.....

Otacon: And you never will...

Snake: Hey lets turn the attention away from me... *Sticks a sticker on the back of Raidens head that says Insert brain here*

* Otacon sees his step mother walk into the studio wearing some kind of cling film dress, she sits next to Snake who stops laughing at Raiden, whos frantically spinning round trying to read what Snake stuck on him *

 Snake: *Is not picky* Helloo....

Otacons step-mum: Well hi there stranger...

Snake: *Smirks* You can call me Solid...

Otacon: (To step-mum) I hate you, you *beep*ing piece of *beep*ing, *beep*ing beeeeeeepppppppp!!!!!! Go *beep* beep* *beep* *BEEP*, you big fat trailer park piece of *beep*ing *BEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP*!!!

Snake: Wow, go Otacon!

Snake: *chants* OTA-CON! OTA-CON! OTA-CON!!!!!

 *Crowd stare at Snake weirdly as hes the only one whos been chanting*

Otacons step-mum: You ungrateful *beep*!!!

Snake: *Chanting* LETS SEE! LETS SEE! LETS SEE!!!!!

Otacon: *Turns to snake* And as for you...

Otacon: How dare you! You *beep*ing *beep* my *beep*ing *beep* mother!!!! You *BEEEEP*!!!!!

 *Otacon snatches the laptop off Snake (whos been using it for, well, again ehhemm...) He then proceeds to bash Snake around the head with it repeatedly*

 Graham: This is getting interesting...

Otacon: *In between bashes at snakes head.* Anyway Snake, didnt you say youd like to show Raiden your room?

Psycho Mantis: SICK!

Snake: That was when I thought he was a woman!

*Raiden finally stops spinning, and picks off the paper from his head, just catching the end of the conversation*

Raiden: *singing* Imm every womann, its all in meeeeeeeeeee...

Jerry: You should be on my show...

Raiden: *Reads paper Snake stuck on his head (with great difficulty)* IN- SERRRRTT BR-A-IN HE, HE-RE. Insert brain here...-Otacon do pieces of paper need brains?

Otacon: *sighs* What do you think?

Raiden: ... Well paper comes from trees... trees are living things......... Yes! Better find one!

Otacon: * starts one of his messed up lectures.... * *Five hours later* so the moral of the story is...Sit down and shut up!

Raiden: *whimpers* OK...ok just make it stop!

Graham: Now Jerry if youd like to step over here...

Jerry: *Sees collection of dodgy looking objects on table* Ohh no......

Graham: We asked the audience if theyd like to bring some of their favourite objects to the show... and this is what they came up with... Horrible isnt it...

*Graham walks over to the table and picks up a rotating tongue thing (if you dont know what it is, then dont ask - you dont want to know...)

Graham: *Knowingly* Ah ha... Betttyyyy....

Betty: You gave it to me!! Anyway it mixes up my food well.

Otacon: Snake, what the hells that?

Raiden: I dunno, it looks dangerous...

Snake: Stealth mode!! *Sneaks around the back of the crowds chairs, gets to the stage, but then sees Graham turning to look his way*

Snake: Damn!! *Fires a bullet to distract graham- it works, he waits for the cameraman to turn around and snatches the erm... device. He then sneaks back to his seat, with a satisfied look on his face.* (No! Its not what you think, you perverts, hes just happy to have completed that mission... Some people with their dirty minds, honestly...)

Snake: *Holds up the device in triumph* Ha!

Psycho Mantis: SICK!

Otacon: Why do you need that?

Snake: Look I just do ok?!

Otacon: Its not like you to be so secretive...

*Raiden, Wolf, Fox all laugh. Meryl, Naomi, Liquid and Rose also walk in just to laugh and point...*

All: yeah right!

Liquid: Why, when we were just little, I remember him going off every day for an hour he wouldnt tell me what he was doing. Turns out he was trying to parachute. *Notices weird looks from Snakes gang* ... Off a 2 ft wall, with a plastic bag, with air holes in it... But point is, he wouldnt even tell me about that!

Otacon: Is that what you do when you go off every hour?

Snake: I can achieve my dreams... I will do it!

Graham: Would that little group stop chattering throughout my show! I mean that guy has a camper English accent that even me- its not right! Its like Richard E Grant and Patsy from Absolutely fabulous had a son!

Liquid: Hey you called me camp! You gay!

Graham: Shocking revelations- Im gay... Whod have thought it?

Liquid: With stupid hair!

Graham: I really dont think my hairs the worst part of my look... *Looks down at his gold lame suit.*

Raiden: Anyway we have the right to talk, youre not the Patriots!!! *Aims Socom at Grahams fluffy phone dog.* Wanna know where he went? It was me, I took it! And hes gonna get it!

Graham: Nooooooooooo, talk amongst yourselves all you want! Just leave the dog/phone out of it!

Snake: Wow Raiden, well done!

Raiden : Do I get a doggy treat for that?

Snake: No theyre my dinner!

Liquid: Ok, anyway, as I was saying, you never knew of my plan Snake!

Snake: Here we go...

Liquid: While your were away parachuting, I actually away with a group of friends, having a disco, in my room! And I left you out of it! Ha ha like a loner! Hmm... actually seemed much funnier at the time...

Snake: Your room wasnt big enough for a disco, you dont have flashing lights either.

Liquid: Its amazing what you can do with some bike lights, a darkened room, a table and a tape of  A Womans Voice

Otacon: *Worriedly* Right...

Raiden: *Smiles enthusiastically* Right!

Otacon: *To Rose* and hes your Boyfriend..

Rose: Jack be a good boy and shut up!

Raiden: ......

Raiden: .....................

Raiden: *Laughs* Oh you were talking to me, Im Jack...

Rose: Im so proud of you, you did it, you got here allll by yourself...

Raiden: Shut up bitch!

Rose: Make me, bitch!

Snake: Cat fight!!! Handbags at 10 paces!

*Rose and Raiden take out their handbags, then hit each other with them, with the other hand slapping at each other*

Rose: *Uppercuts Raiden unconscious*

Otacon: Again, Why do you need that device Snake?

Snake: Alright, alright. One of those saved my life once, you know they can pummel their way though wood? I was unarmed and unprepared when a enemy attacked from behind, he wasnt counting I had on of those and ran away in terror.

Raiden: * Regains consciousness* So its a weapon?

Snake: Kind of...

Otacon: Why do you need it now, we arent in any danger.

Snake: Errr, to be prepared.?

Raiden: Right!

Rose: Hey Snake, you really are brave and confident blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda etc .......

Snake: Hell yeah. Im the best.... No.1....all that and a bag of chips!

*Rose whispers to Snake, He smirks and they make their way out...a buzzing noise is faintly heard in the background...*

*Raiden notices Rose and Snake have made their way back in.*

Raiden: Rose what were you doing?

Rose: You want to know the truth? Well in a place like this I didnt want to be on my own, and I really needed the loo, and Snake came with me, I asked him to wait outside. I ended up waiting outside the men's for him! Boy he took a long time in there...

Raiden: You couldnt figure out how to use the taps either Snake?

Snake: Damn Im not that stupid! I was really... err, yeah, I mean thats right. Really hard to figure out.

Raiden: I mean I kept on waiting for the water to come out - but then I realised you have to actually twist the handle. I cant believe it! Here in England they actually expect you to do those things yourself, you know you have to actually flush the toilet!? For shame...

Snake: Get over it...

Graham: So... lets see what everyone else brought in... Oh! Over here we have... err two jelly things, what the hell?

Meryl: *Looks down at the ground* They go in there... *Points to pants* I think they call them butt pads...

Snake: *Raps* I like big butts and I can not lie. You other brothers can't deny. That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face You get sprung. Deep in the jeans she's wearing I'm hooked and I can't stop staring. Oh, baby I wanna get with ya And take your picture, Baby got ... *stops mid-sentence* Butt pads!!!?!!!

Meryl: Oh, well look at you Mr-I was coming on to you and you didnt do a thing about it, which side do you bat for?

Graham: Im hoping my side... Just lose the Bono mullet...

Raiden: Hey break it up you two! Ive got an important question... Everyone keeps on talking about it and I dont get it...

Snake: *Impatiently* What!

Raiden: Whats sex...

Otacon: I knew this day would come, I kind of liked telling him those two lions were just cuddling, kind of funny. *Otacon whispers to Raiden...* ...and then...

Raiden: *Screams* No make it stop! Everything I ever believed in. *Screams desperately* What about the stalk, just tell me WHAT ABOUT THE STALK!!! *Starts crying* I suppose Father Christmas isnt real!

*Meryl, Rose and Otacon look at him sadly...*

Raiden: NOoooooooo, its not true!!!

Snake: Yeah, what the hell are you talking about! Hes real, I saw him!

Otacon: After you had that cigarette I gave you?

Snake: .............

Graham: Now whats this? A microwave?

Raiden: Yeah its mine *Smiles proudly* you cook things in it.

Freak girl: Yeah!!! Go food! So good when you cant be bothered to chew... Mmm micro waved Mars Bars and Chewits, mixed together...

 *Everyone moves away...*

Me: Im a special girl...

Snake: Damn right...

Graham: Ok... moving on again... Aww whats this? A Care bear?

Snake: Yeah! Grumpy bear! Care bears stare!!! If only I had that power...

Liquid: And youre worried about her?!

Snake: But hes cool, and like me, grumpy, even when the suns shining, but never loses his charm. He rocks!!

Liquid: Now everyone, its time to laugh and point!

Snake: *Hugs Care bear* Dont you worry baby, those nasty people need to SHUT UP!

Meryl: And I thought he had problems before...

Graham: *Holds up a Village People costume- the policemans one* And this, I like this, very cute, ha ha ha, whos is this?

Liquid: Thats mine...

Graham: You wore it?!

Liquid: God no! *Winks at Raiden...*

Raiden: Oh... thats my policemans uniform, Liquid told me when I wear it I look very authoritative, and its about time I got some respect around here! He even let me handle some handcuffs, you wont even let me in your helicopter Snake!

Liquid: *Under his breath* Shut up...

Snake: *Shamefully* Im related to him...

Otacon: And Raiden you know why we never let you take any responsibility, since you almost died on the helicopter...

Raiden: But the ceiling fan was making me cold!

Snake: *Sighs* You dumbass...

Raiden: Where am I...?

Graham: *As he stares at the massive German Shepherd growling in front of him, mouth frothing* So... ooh, this ones moving! *Unconvincingly* Isnt it adorable?

Me: *Proudly* Its mine...

Graham: I think it is the right name for it...

*The dog terrorises a few audience members and eats some of the smaller ones, then gets those urges some disturbed dogs do, it looks at Otacon, Snake and Liquid*

Horny dog: *Thinks No pillows or trees or walls or... what the heck! Hell do, not like Im fussy...*

Me: *Notices her dogs look* (A/N Sammy is the horny dog, she is ALWAYS horny, nothing is safe, nothing is sacred, most of all NEVER bend over anywhere near her!) Noo Sammy! Bad dog! *Pleading* Sammy come here, I have food... Oh, did I say it was for you Sammy? Err Snake just dont bend over...

*Sammy lunges at Snake...*

Snake: NNNNOOOOOOooooooooo! *Thinks Is this how my life ends? Humped to death!?*

Sammy: *But I want to show him the time of his life! Actually no, I just want to hump his leg*

*Snakes leg is now being pummelled*

Raiden: *Remembers Otacons talk, and starts rocking back and forth* The stalk, the stalks good, its believable, the stalk, yes the stalk...

Snake: Nooo!!!

Sammy: *Oh yes, youre my bitch, say my name!*

Otacon: Ill save you! *Thinks fast and throws Raidens brown wig over the wall*

Raiden: Nooooooo! My wig!!! I feel like Ive just lost a part of me!

Sammy: *Nothing deserves to live, but especially not cats! DIEEEEEEEE!* *She then throws herself at the wig, and tries to get over the wall, she leaps with great energy, but splats on the wall and slides down, 10 minutes and 200 attempts later she decides she will spend the next hour clawing away at the wall.*

Graham: Again, I say: okayyyyy..... Actually though, that dogs actions lead us pretty well into whos our next guest... Tom Green!

*Tom Green throws himself down Grahams stairs and humps the rail...*

 Graham: Tom Green everybody!

Tom: *Sits down next to Graham* My bum is on the chair my bum is on the chair- look at me, my bum is on the chair!

Graham: .......So it is... So tell me about your career, you seem to love what you do.

Tom: Well yeah, annoying the hell out of people is fun! *Starts repeatedly poking Graham chanting Poking is fun, poking is fun, pokey pokey poke, poking is fun!* See?

*Raiden watches Tom in awe and starts poking Snake*

Snake: Grrrr.. stop it!

Raiden: *Stops for a while with a blank look on his face... Then pokes faster.* But poking IS fun!

Snake:*Smacks Raiden... Hard.* IM GOING OUT OF MY MIND, STOP IT!

Raiden: Duh...

*Tom Green suddenly freaks out and flings Graham off of his chair screaming manically I am the

fairy queen, hear me roar, AAARRRGGGHHHHH!*

Raiden:.......*has a contemplative look on his face*

Otacon: I wouldnt if I were you...

Raiden: Im not you... My names ... uhh, begins with r... its coming wait a minute...

Liquid: Or a decade.

Raiden: Radon thats it!

Otacon: *Sighs* Raiden......

Raiden: Right... What was I going to do again?

Liquid: Well...

Otacon: Stirrer!

*At that moment Tom decides to Mimic Liquid behind his back, but Liquid turns round in time to catch him*

Liquid: How dare you, you insolent fool!

Tom: *In funny voice.* How dare you, you insolent fool!

Liquid: URRGGGGHHH!!!! DIEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

All: uh-oh!

* A small thudding noise is heard and in comes...*

Snake: *In that funny voice he does* Metal Gear!?!

Otacon: If you say that like that one more time...

Raiden: *In a wussier voice* Metal Gear?!?

Otacon: Shuddup! Anyway, its only a 5 foot tall!

Snake: I always wondered what it would be like to look down on a Metal Gear...

Liquid: Its Metal Gear Mini-Me! Stand in awe of its awesomeness!!

Raven: *Looks down at feet* Uhh Boss, you made it yourself didnt you?

Liquid: ............

Tom: Hey Rex your mommas a snow blower! *Jumps at Rex and humps the heck out of its leg.*

Feels good, feels good!

Rex: Damn, hes annoying, I cant take it anymore!

Raiden: My names Raiden.

Rex: URGH, Noooooo! *Self destructs knocking Tom unconscious.*

Liquid: Oh well, you win some, you lose some...

Snake: *Under his breath* More like you lose some, you lose some.

Graham: I must say this has been the most... interesting show Ive had.

Raiden: Im a special boy.

Graham: Now what do I do? Youve knocked out my guest.

Snake: I know!

Graham: *Pretends not to hear. Thinks Anyone but him. looks at Wolf... Or her looks at Psycho

Mantis... Or...oh I give up!*

Snake: *Bouncing up and down on his seat.* I know, I know!! Sirrrr!! Pick me!!!

Graham: Yes you, go on.

Snake: Welll... 101 uses for a box!

Naomi: *Under breath.* How about over your head...

*Snake walks up to front with a box.*

Graham: Here we go...

Snake: *Sits in box and makes rowing motions* A rowing boat- *looks pleased* Im winning the

race!

Liquid: *In shame* Thats my brother...

Otacon: Id say I think hes finally snapped... but I think he snapped way back...*Remembers back to when Snake first saw a box... Remembers how Snake ran towards the box - arms wide open and in as voice full of love shouted Its so beautiful! the box just lays there... when Snake got to it he vowed they would never part.*

Snake: Number 2... *Then Snake puts the box down on floor and sits his Grumpy Care Bear down beside him.* It can be a table!

Snake: *Pours imaginary tea from the imaginary teapot into the imaginary cup and places it on the box.* Would you like some tea Grumpy? *In muffled voice.* Why yes I would Snake, youre my best friend.

Snake: *In normal voice.* Thank you youre mine too, lets be friends forever.

Otacon: I thought we were best friends!!

Graham: STOPP!!!! This is getting too disturbed!

Psycho Mantis: Wait till you see my house. *Winks at Raiden*

Raiden: *Screams dementedly* The stalk, the stalk, tell me its not true!!!! *Goes into spasms*

Wolf: If I can Id like to say something...

*Audience are silent from what theyve seen*

Wolf: Ive split up from Rover- turns out he was using me for the dog biscuits! *Looks at Otacon* If you still want me...

Otacon: You still have Quake at your house?

Wolf: Uh-huh!

Otacon: Alright!

Wolf : Bark for me baby! *Otacon just stares at her.*

Snake: Kinky!

Wolf: Uhh, I mean I love you

*She and Otacon kiss.*

Snake: Geez, youd think they were trying to eat each other...

Otacon: Mmmffpph.

Wolf: Mmpphhh...

Snake: *Looking at the box hes wearing.* Conservative yet stylish.

Raiden: *Stands up.* Chair goes up. *Sits down.* Chair goes down. Chair goes up, chair goes down, chair goes up.....

Liquid: *The planes faltering* Fly! Cmon fly!!!!

Rose: *To guy next to her as she rummages though his bag.* Its like I dont even know you. Your heart is empty like your bag.

Guy: Er lady I dont even know you...

Rose: Youd even deny that!

Tom: Mooooooooo! Want to milk the cow, I know you dooooooooooo! *Makes eagle sounds.*

*Graham stares at the scene in front of him in disbelief.*

Graham: I always new this day would come, but in a million years I never thought it would be like this... I QUIT!!!!!!!! *Runs out screaming.* ARGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Snake: Good. Lets go to the liquor store!!

Liquid: I have a better idea... DIEEEEEE!!!!!!!!! *Does running head-butt at Snake.*

*Snake moves out of the way, just in time and Liquid falls though the door*

Liquid: Ow! Bloody hell!

Snake: Thats right, that way.

Spike: *Appears from nowhere.* Oi! Runny Python! Stop nicking my line!

Snake: You must get hurt a lot.

Spike: Yeah going out with Buffy will do that to you.

Snake: Dont you mean Muffy. I thought Muffy the Vampire Layer was great!

Raiden: Whats it about? Ha ha, does she kill them by laying on them?

Snake: Well... She does lay on them... In fact-

Otacon: -No Snake, hes too young! You filthy pervert!

Snake: Like your mum. Ha ha like your mum, great cuss. Look lets just go, that dog seems to be bored with shredding the wall to pieces and I dont like the way its looking at me...

Raiden: WAIT! I need to do something!

Rose: Look, we all know the Im a Cucumber. song off by heart.

Raiden: Awww. OK something else. *Sees the camera and dives in front of it or rather into it.* Hi Mum!

Solidus: Err, about the whole parent thing, I killed them remember?

Raiden: Whos that woman I keep on following around then?!

Woman: Get away from me!!! My names Jennifer!

Raiden: But you said youre my mum! Also that if I didnt stop Id get a present Id never forget. Guess what? didnt stop.

Snake: *Sighs.* And dont we know it?

Woman: Firstly I said. Im NOT your mother. And secondly... *She gives him a great big slap.*

Raiden: Wheres the present?

Woman: Stay away from me you freak!!

Raiden: Your names Jennifer.

Meryl: Pleaaseee can we go? I think Im busting my butt-pads from sitting on them too much!

*As they leave the whole room falls apart*

Snake: That happens a lot...

Olga: LIQUOR STORE! LIQUOR STORE! LIQUOR STORE!

Solidus: Sorry about her, shes Russian.

Olga: See?*Lifts up her arms to show massive amounts of arm hair.*

Snake: *Sees sign above building outside saying. XXX- Live Action Here.* I think we should go there.

Raiden: Me too.

Solidus: *Proudly.* Hes turning out to be just like me.

Raiden: You like Vin Diesel too? Lets see it, I heard its a great movie.

Snake: You know the one thing hes missing?

Liquid: Hair! *Starts stroking his.* Isnt mine perfect?

Snake: Trys to ignore Liquid's second comment. Right he has no hair.

Fatman and Raven: Hahahahaha no hair. *Sad looks* Wait nor do we.

Fatman: But I have bombs! MMMMmmmm Dinner. Bomb meet baby, baby meet bomb.

Snake: I dont think thats a good-

*BBBBBOOOOOOOOMMMMMMM*

Fatman: MMMmmmmmm

Snake: What the hell?!!

Fatman: Tasty.

Snake: Anyway...... Diesels just trying to be Bond, but the hillbilly version. I bet he likes his beer stirred not shaken. Damn idiot, Im a real spy tough guy, not him! I hate him so much... *Remembers he wants to see some action.* Err.. I mean great movie, lets go into the building marked with XXX and see it!

Raiden: Yeah!

Meryl: Yeah!

Wolf: Nooo! I dont think you realise....

Olga: YEAH!!! Naked women! Uhh I mean Vin Diesel!

Snake: Thats settled then! You know Im glad I brought my box now. Its great for covering stuff...

Otacon: Sna-

Snake: -Your mother! God I love those words. Work so well.

*Snake and gang walk to the bar, well Snake and Solidus run rather. Otacon walks faster*

Otacon: Er... I need to use the loo?

Wolf: Oh yes? Well so does he...

*A little wolf cub comes out and pees up Otacons leg*

Snake: HA! Now you get to see how it feels to get a wet leg!

Sniper Wolf: Now stop it before you get worse, behave yourself!

Otacon: *Looks at feet scared out of his mind, shaking.* Yes Miss. Sorry.

Snake: *Smiles wickedly to himself and bends down to wolf cub...* Ill give you a biscuit if you do it again.

*The wolf pauses and looks thoughtful for a second... and pees up Snakes leg.*

Snake: Damit you son of a... It takes ages to get the smell out!

Otacon: I do your washing Snake!

Snake: Its the principle.

Otacon: Hours doing his washing, cooking and cleaning and this is the thanks I get!

*While Sniper Wolfs not looking Snake smacks the wolf cubs head.*

Snake: *To wolf cub.* Look what youve gone and done now! Youve gone and upset her, er I mean him!

*A gang of wolves appear from nowhere, with red eyes and foaming mouths.*

Snake: Mummy! *Quickly pulls box over himself.* Phew, those dumb ass wolves cant get me now. *Gives the wolves the finger, from though the hole in the box.*

Wolf: Grrr. *Lunges at finger, just misses as Snake pulls it inside.*

Snake: Haha. Poor, stupid, dumb animals...

Otacon: Er, Snake the box is made up of cardboard.

Snake: Yeah... The best material in the world... *Strokes box lovingly* So your point is what? But Ill have to warn you now, I wont listen to it... Unless it involves naked women...*Smiles pervertedly.*

Otacon: Stop being so dense. Think carefully about cardboard.

Wolves: *Huddle in a group and think*

Snake: I do all the time. *Loved up face.* Want to know what I got my box for valentines day?

Otacon: ......

Snake: Wrapping paper! Itll give it a new look, itll be the belle of the ball!

Meryl: You know Ive got to say Snake, can you stop getting the box involved when we... you know...

Snake: Its sexy.

Meryl: Its scary...

Snake: Want to know what I got you?

Meryl: Er, why dont we save that... erm... lovely surprise for later?

Wolves: *Think* How could we be so stupid! Its only a thin cardboard box. Lets tear the dip-shit to shreds! Cmon guys!!

*They bound towards the box, fangs out.*

Snake: Im sure glad I have this box...

*The wolves rip though the box...and Snake...pieces of him are flying everywhere.*

Snake:*Laying in a bloody, battered mess on the floor.* Urghhh...... Otacon, why didnt you warn me? Why are there 3 of you?

Otacon: Its always me who picks up the pieces, if it werent for me hed still be figuring out how to get out of that cell. *Hands Snake a ration.*

Snake: *While looking at wolves rushing back again.* Lets just go in yeah!?

*They walk in and see half naked men in fire-fighter outfits... and lots of poles...*

Snake: Oh no its happened again, I think Im having flashbacks...

Raiden: Mustve been a fire...

Otacon: Were you dropped on your head as a child?!

Raiden: No, I jumped on my head myself... Hehe, it was fun!

Snake: Theres two types of strip club this could be, gay or straight. *Takes a second to decide which one is worse.* Please let it be gay!

*Collects weird looks from the gang.*

Snake: Look I have four words to say to you to explain, and I warn you theyre not nice words... Middle. Aged. Hormonal. Women. *Shudders.*

Liquid, Otacon, Solidus and even Psycho Mantis: *Shudder.*

Otacon: *Shudders more*

Raiden: What does hormonal mean?

Snake: It means run!

Raiden: Ok! *Runs round the room.*

Snake: *Sighs.* Again, Poor, stupid, dumb animals...

*Bannnngggggggg*

Snake: *Turns around to see a pole vibrating.* Raiden...

Raiden: Owww, uhh, Im a baguette... Please dont send me to a bakery.

Liquid: Dumb blondes... Uh I mean dumb fake blondes, Im all natural!

Wolf: Sure you are! I foun-

Liquid: Unless you want a head butt youd better shut up.

Wolf: -LOreal perfect blonde!!!

Liquid: Because Im worth it! I mean shut up!

Snake: Isnt it because youre worth it.

Liquid: Why thank you.

Middle aged hormonal women or MAHW: New blood, lets get em!!!

*All bounce towards our heroes.*

Sammy aka horny dog: Finally my own kind!

Guys: NOooooooooo!!!

MAHW: Strip, strip, strip, strip, strip!!!

*Cheeky Girl song plays in the background.*

Raiden: I love that song!

*Starts stripping.*

Snake: Disturbing...

Psycho Mantis: Shake it baby!!!

Raiden: *Sings.* We are the cheeky girls, we are the cheeky girls. You are the cheeky boys, you are the cheeky boys. Ooh boys cheeky girls, ooh girls cheeky boys...

*MAHW scream and try to claw up the stage.*

Raiden: *Gets down to his trousers and blushes.* I dont know... I think Ive had enough...

MAHW: Off! Off! Off! Off! Off! Off! *Go into frenzy, after which Raidens left with Pink furry knickers with bunny patterns on them. *

Raiden: *Blushes.* Theyre my lucky ones...

Snake: *In disgust.* Not any more...

Meryl: Snake you have strange friends.

Mantis: I can do better! Watch out Raiden here I come!!!

Wolf: Urgh, I really dont think so! Beat him my pretties!

*Wolves run at Mantis.*

*Psycho Mantis does the Michael Jackson dance, wolves join in.*

Mantis: Oww!

Wolf: I said beat him, not Beat it!

Snake: Well at least Im not bored...

Raiden: But Im plank.

*Snake watches Mantis start to strip.*

Snake: I think wed better stop him...

Otacon: Hey Mantis! Those chairs arent floating!

Mantis: Chairs not floating! With me around! Better sort it out... *Goes to sort it out.*

All: Phew! He stopped...

*Shake your Booty plays...*

Raiden: The firemen are striping!!! Why arent they doing theyre job, for shame!

Snake: *Sighs.* Because theyre hot, now go to bed!

Raiden: *Hesitantly.*Ok... *Curls into a ball on the ground, and starts snoring. Snake kicks him.*

Snake: Did I say you could snore, youre drowning out the great music!

Raiden: Can I sleep next to your leg, Im scared of the ghosts.

Snake: Its not the ghosts you should worry about, its Mantis...

Raiden: *Demented scream.* Arghhh! *Faints.*

Liquid: I, I cant fight it...

Snake: What now?

Liquid: Ive got to get on the floor, let's dance! Cant fight the feelings, got to give myself a chance!

*Is pulled to the stage, and starts shaking his thang.*

Liquid: You can, you can do it very well. You're the best in the world, I can tell. Shake, shake, shake, shake, shake, shake, Shake your booty! Shake your booty!

Ocelot: And thats why I never took orders from him...

Snake: You cant fight the groove though! *Joins him.*

Liquid and Snake: Shake, shake, shake, shake, shake, shake, Shake your booty!

Solidus, Raiden, Wolf, Meryl and Otacon: Aw heck! *Join in.*

Wolves: *Join in.*

*Now nearly everyone is in a line getting down.*

Liquid: I feel so alive!

*Solidus starts to get over excited and his mechanical arms are flying everywhere!*

Solidus: Wooohoooo!

*Smacks Raiden across the room with a flailing arm.*

Raiden: Arghhhh!!!

Solidus: Sorry son...

All: Hurrah!

Me: Dont worry I like you...

Raiden: Arghh!!!

Me: I fell so rejected...

Horny dog: *Sympathetically.* There, there...

*After Snake and gang have had their fun, they leave- although its very hard to pull Raiden away from the stage.*

Raiden: Im the queen of the world!!!

Solidus: Well youve certainly got one part right...

*7 songs later- and theyre finally outside.*

Snake: LIQUOR STORE!

Otacon: Lets get pissed!

All: ?

Otacon: Everyone has to let go sometimes...

*Snake looks to Raiden, clinging in fear to his arm.*

Snake: Yeah! Let go!

Raiden: Mantis is out to get me you know!

Snake: *Obviously enjoying this.* Yeah, and did you see the way Vamp looked at you?

Raiden: Yeah she was hot!

Snake: *Not enjoying it so much anymore- in fact rather scared.* It was a he...

Raiden: ...but...but!

Snake: His real names Steve! And hes now a truckie...

Raiden: I dont believe you! I only listen to Jacqueline!

Otacon: Huh?

Raiden: Say hello Jacqueline...

Thin air: ..........

Raiden: She says Hi... *Saucily.* And she likes the look of you Liquid...

Liquid: *Blushes.* Hi there... Well shell have to accept shes not as pretty as me! I mean shut up idiot!

Snake: Well hes sunk to an all time low...

Otacon: Lower than the time he stole candy from a baby?

Liquid: MWAHAHAHHH!

Me: Nice one!

Snake: ...and beat it over the head with it...

Otacon: Lower than the time he held up the hair salon and ordered them to give you a mullet Snake?

Snake: *Shiftily.*Er, yeah...that was all him, I would never order a mullet!

Liquid: *Takes the credit.* Mwahahahahahaha!

Otacon: Lower than the time he spiked the world supply of Sunny D so that whoever would drink it turned into a lizard?

Meryl: One fatal flaw... that was after the craze, who drinks it anymore?

Lizard guy: Hey!!!!

Liquid: Mwahahahahahah!!!

Otacon: Lower than the time he set all the Jigglypuff toys to kill their owners?

Me: I told you they were evil, EVIL!!!!

Liquid: They shouldnt have liked Pokemon then! Oh and, Mwahahahahaha!

Otacon: Lower than the time...

Wolf: Okay, okay we get it! Stupid Americans...

Otacon: I think Im English?... (A/N. Due to my poor memory, he might actually be American, or even French, or even bloody Russian...)

*Snake notices Meryls drooling at a guy skating down the street.*

Meryl: Oh yeah, that sweet ass...

Snake: Isnt that my line? And Im really going to kill that guy!

Otacon: Ahh the green eyed monster comes out...

Raiden: Green eyed monster...?! Where?!! *Does high pitched shrill scream.* Argghhh!

*Snake aims at the guy, but hes far too quick for him, Hes like a character that should be in the next game or something. So he decides to shoot 5 random people dead in the street to get her attention, it doesnt work...*

Snake: I just dont get it- killing stuff always worked before...

Wolf: Maybe she needs more than you just to kill stuff...

Snake: Why ever would anyone ever need more than that?! Oh I know! *Hands Meryl a box.*

Snake: Its my best one!

Meryl: *Unimpressed.* Oh...a......box. Great. *Mutters under her breath Cheap ba****d. and goes back to drooling over that guy.*

Snake: *Dramatically.* I must win my love back, but how? *Suddenly looks like hes found an idea.*

Otacon: I dont like that look, it usually means hes going to write over all my hard drive with porn...

Wolf: Or try and ride my wolf like a horse...

Raiden: Or stuff my wig down his pants and let me wear it the next day...

Liquid: Or destroy my evil empire by wreaking my evil war machine, whilst making use of my bad driving skills to crash into me, bringing about an untimely event of Foxdie, in which all my dreams and hopes are forever crushed... Damn you Snake, I will get you! *Breaks down and cries.* I WILL get you...someday...

Snake: Is he still on about that...?

Otacon: So whats your plan then?

*Snake picks off a skateboard thats been tied to Raidens back.*

Raiden: Noo!!! I need that, I figure I get knocked out so much that if I put that on my back, I could land on it and roll to safety.

Snake: Safety, around here?! And how do you figure you get knocked out so much?! *Smashes Raiden around the head with the skateboard- and knocks him unconscious.* Didnt help you much in the end did it?

Wolf: Whyd you do that?

Snake: To prove a point - he should never try and think for himself.

Otacon: So youre going to out skate that guy? Im sorry to say this... but skating isn't really your thing, maybe you should really try to stick to killing and maiming...

Snake: Well... ok, for old times sake... *Smashes skateboard into Otacon.* And being alive and well isnt your kind of thing.

Wolf: Its funny and everything, but do you really need to be so violent?

Snake: Er...Yes.

Snake:*Places skateboard on ground and steps onto it.* I am the man who makes the impossible- possible...

*Snake is wobbling the board from side to side, with one foot still on the ground, waving his arms around.*

Raiden: Narly!

Otacon: *Sighs at Raidens constant stupidity.* Snake, you need to push yourself with the other foot, then totally stand on it.*

Snake: But thats......Impossible!

Liquid: *Badly wants to see Snake fall on his face- in fact the guy getting Meryls attention was his newest scheme.* The Impossible- possible....

Snake: OK...*Starts pushing himself towards the rails of a shop, and somehow manages to jump and slide the rail for about half a second.*

Snake: Jack Im flying, I'm flying!!!

Raiden: Woohooo, go Snake! *Watches in awe.*

*Snake inevitably loses balance.*

Snake: Im falling, Im falling... DAMN I'M FALLING!!!!

*Snake smashes his bejewelys into the rail, and tears form in every guys eyes that are watching...*

Wolf: He wont be called Solid Snake any more...

*Snake then falls down the rest of the stairs.*

*SMASH!.....*

Raiden: Oooh!

*BANG!......*

Wolf: World of pain!

*CLANG!...*

Meryl: Ouchie!

*BASH....BANG!.....*

Otacon: Shezze...

Snake: *Stands up triumphantly at the fact hes still in one piece... barely.* Im ok!*Waves and smiles.*

*The board smacks him on the back, pushing him down the rest of the stairs.*

Snake: Not ok... *Trys to stand up but crumples back down into a battered mess.*

*After Snake has pulled himself together...*

Meryl: *Trying not to laugh- because that fall was really nasty and painful looking.* Are you ok now Snake?

Snake: *Thinks to himself At least I got her attention.* Yeah just about... Ok time to try again. *Shudders.*

Raiden: I dont think thats a good idea...

*Snake slams Raidens head into the bar- which incidentally is blood stained after that ordeal, also quite bent...*

Raiden: Thinking hurts...

Snake: Finally you get it!

Raiden: Get what? You told a joke?

Snake: No but if you want...

Raiden: Joke time! Yey! *Smiles dementedly.*

Snake: What do you call Raiden?

Raiden: Clever, cool, snazzy...

Snake: Noooo...

Raiden: What then?

Snake: An idiot!

Raiden: I dont get it, its not very clever or funny... Wheres the punch line?

Snake: *Punches Raiden as hard as he can.* There.

Raiden: *woozily.* I see funny stars above my head... Theyre pretty. Pretty stars...

Meryl: Maybe we should separate those two, they seem to wind each other up...

Wolf: *While looking at Raiden walking jaggedly, and smashing into things after Snakes punch.* Maybe youre right.

Liquid: No, I dont think so, Its all rather funny...

Me: Of course it is!

Liquid: You keep on popping up dont you, dont you have anywhere else to go ?

Me: Well...no, not really. *Walks away sadly.* But Ill be back! HAHAHA!

Snake: Right... Ok so this time itll work. *Gets on skateboard.*

Otacon: *Sighs.* Oh no...

*Snake goes to start skateboarding again.*

Otacon: Oh no... Wait I have an idea! *Whispers to Snake.*

Snake: I object! Im no cheater! Ok maybe I am...

*While the others have their backs turned Otacon puts on the stealth suit.*

Snake: *Whispered to Otacon.* So youre gonna push me? And they wont realise?

Otacon: *Whispered to Snake.* Yeah they cant see me.

*Everyone turns round to see Snake suddenly take off and skate like a pro, First he grinds the rail that defeated him before.*

Wolf: Stylin!

*Then he does a 360 onto a shop roof.*

Solidus: Radical!

Invisible Otacon: *Pant...pant...*

*Then goes over the ramp on the shop roof over to the next.*

Meryl: Air time!

Invisible Otacon: *Almost collapses.*

*Snake just stands...*

Snake: Otacon!

Meryl: What do you mean Otacon?

Snake: Er...Its a new skating term...

Meryl: *Confused.* Er right...

Invisible Otacon: *Pant...pant..wheeze...* Co...m...ing...

*Snake slides down the shop wall to the floor.*

Raiden: Otacon!

*Snake then finishes off with a grind, switching to the other side while grinding then to a 360. Otacon takes off the suit inconspicuously*

Liquid: Awesome.

Not so invisible Otacon: Totally rad! *...Pant...pant...*

Raiden: Super-duper!

Solidus: What a queer... I disown him!

Raiden: But daddy I love you. *Clings to his leg.*

Solidus: Again...Killed your parents...!

Raiden: .... Mummy... *Finally gets it and starts sobbing uncontrollably.* I HATE YOU...YOU POO HEAD! I WANT MY MUMMY!!!

Solidus: Kids say the darndest things...

Meryl: Snake that was great!

Snake I know! Im the best.... man!

*Meryl grabs snake and plays tonsil tennis with him.*

Otacon: Breath through your nose! *Pant...pant...gasp.* *Hyperventilates and collapses. *

Snake: Mphhff. *Gives thumbs up sign...*

Wolf: Otacon you really need to get more fit, and stay off the fatty foods, I mean what exercise have you done today to be worthy of that?

Otacon: *Still in a heap on the floor.* Grrr... *Pant...* I *Pant..* do *Pant...* NOT *Gasp...* deserve *Pant..* this *Pant...* life... *Promptly loses consciousness...*

Wolf : Oh dear...