By Stefanie
Snake, Liquid, Otacon, Meryl, Wolf and Raiden are staying at Snake and Otacons house. Liquid having made up with Snake by buying him a subscription to Hot Naked Chicks in Boxes. Hes now his new best friend... when Snake comes out of his room.*
Snake: What a horrible, stinking morning this is!
Raiden: Mornings are Gods gift, I love them so much, everyone be happy!
Snake: Grrrrr...
Raiden: Im happy, happy, happy!
Snake: On behalf of all morning haters... *Rips radiator from wall...* Raiden meet Mr radiator...
Raiden: Hi, how you doin, Im very happy today, are you?
*Wallop*
Raiden: Not happy! *Walks in circles, which actually pretty much happens without him being slammed on the head..*
Snake: Actually I think I just wanted to hit Raiden...
All: *Nod in agreement.* We hear you.
*Postman walks in... Remembers the house and starts shaking*
Postman: Please god no!
All except Snake: Why its our friendly local postman...
Snake: You take all the boxes for your firm, theres hardy any left for me! Damned Patriots!
Raiden: I wont believe it! Postman Pat a Patriot, all I ever believed in! *Starts crying.*
Postman: Er, my names not Pat *Decides to leave Snake with his issues and changes the subject.* So whos Snape?
Snake: Its Snake!
Postman: Its who?
*Music fades in to the tune of Baby got Back. Snake and gang all turn to face the one way, Liquid, Otacon, Meryl and Wolf start rap dancing...Raidens still laying on the floor crying, Otacon kicks him so he spins round, and Raiden works on this and starts break-dancing.*
Snake:
I am Snake and I cannot lie!
And my brothers cant deny!
That when that box walks in to your place,
and puts that gun into your face.
You get shot, yeah Im really tough.-
Did you notice that guard was stuffed?
Deep in the jeans she's wearing
I'm hooked and I won't stop staring.
Oh baby, I wanna get wit'cha -
Go take my picture!
*Sudden moment of realisation...* Wait a minute that was Raiden!
*The music fades out and the gang go about their normal (well for them.) business as if nothing strange had happened, frankly Snakes to drunk to notice.*
Raiden: Oh you!
Snake: I just hit on Raiden again- its the drink! It gives me the memory of a fish! *Remembers the night he spent backstage at a Justin Timberlake concert, with a speakerphone and a truncheon.* *Shudders...* Sometimes thats a good thing.
Raiden: What kind of freak hides in boxes?! You should really give them up!
*Music starts again this time its I cant live if living is without you.*
Snake:*Wails.*
I cant livvvvvvvveeee, if living is without youuu! *Raiden lifts his lighter into the air and rocks from side to side.*
I cant livve, I cant live anymorrrrrreeee!
Otacon: Snake!
*Music is suddenly cut*
Otacon: You can still use boxes!
Snake: Yeah I suppose... Anyway its my only flaw.
Otacon: *Cough- Drinking, smoking, porn, watching Care Bears- cough!*
Snake: They add character!
Liquid: *Under his breath.* Yeah screwed up character..
Postman: HI!!! *Waves arms in air!*
Raiden: Hi. *Smiles and hands out a baguette* Here have some bread!
Snake: *Smacks Raiden.* Thats mine!
Postman: *Sees hes not getting anywhere.* Here just have it, take the damned parcel!
Liquid: *Obviously stirring things.* Just have it... Hmm *Does that head down, folding arms thing.*...Sounds like a threat to me!
Snake: Its a bomb!!!!
Raiden: Ill deal with this, I hate the damned Patriots! *Beats the hell out of the Postman.*
Snake: Wow he can kick ass when he wants to!
Raiden: Dont forget where Im from!
*Music to Jenny from the Block. plays.*
*Otacon, Snake, Meryl, Liquid and Wolf once again start rap dancing, Snake looks more like hes got something on him like tape he wants to get off though.*
Radien: *Sings.*
Dont be fooled by the wigs that I got!
Im still Raiden from the...*Thinks a while for something to rhyme.* Battlefield!
Snake: That doesnt rhyme dumb ass!
Liquid: Lets just start it again...shall we?
*Music plays again.*
Radien: *Sings.*
Dont be fooled by the wigs that I got!
Im still Raiden from the Battlefield!
Used to have a little, now I have a lot. *Points at his ass.*
No matter where I go, I know where I came from!
From war lands to dinner at 6-
to get rid of those Patriot d**ks!
I stayed steady as those Gears rolled in.
Johnson I thought I told ya,
Im a guy so dont go near there!
Dont touch me!
Dont get horny
May look like Tory
But what you gets not what you see! Oh!
Dont be fooled by the wigs that I got!
Im still Raiden from the Battlefield!
Used to have a little, now I have a lot. *Looks at his ass.*
No matter where I go, I know where I came from!
I killed the guys like this-
It is my business.
Ive grown up *Snake shouts Not much!*
Im out of control of my lover - bitch!
Moanings got me crying like a kid!
Love my life
and my toilet.
Put me first and cant forget
to eat veal.
*Smiles.* I really like singing, yeahhh!
*Snake starts his rap, and starts doing the spacko dance, grabbing his crotch and stuff.*
It take no work to steal checks.
So don't be fooled by the box that I got, my asset!
Dont get back what you put out.
Even if you take the good route-
Can't count his kind out...
After a while, you know who to drink with-
Just keep it real with the box you came in with.
Best thing to do is stay low, drink and go
Act like they don't, but they know!
*The music once again fades out, but Raidens still left singing about how good he is.*
Raiden: Im the best, yeahhhhhhhh,, cucumber's in the house.... ow! Yeah!
Snake: I said you were ok, I didnt say go on for ever about your skills...
Raiden: *Flattered.* I have skills?
Snake: Most of them useless and frightening...
*Snake stops verbally abusing Raiden because the sound of the doorbell distracts him.*
Wolf: Arent you going to answer that?
Snake: Anyone who knows me doesnt need to wait for me to open the door.
*Bash.*
Snake: *Looks up uninterestedly.* Told you...
Solidus: Hi Snake!
Snake: Great, woop-de-do! Its my favourite brother whos tried to kill me, insulted me numerous times and dissed my mamma, even if I dont happen to have one- its wrong! *Sarcastically.* Youre a great person though, come on in!
Solidus: Wow, youre really forgiving do you know that? *Hugs him with his mechanical arms.*
Snake: *Squirms.* Urghh, I love you too but OWWWW!
Solidus: Er...sorry. But look whos here!
Snake: Dad?
Big Boss: Hi there, er you know you wouldnt have a space for me here would you? You know being dead and coming back to life costs more than youd think... not to mention the hench men, the grounds, yada yada yada, you know what Im saying...
Liquid: I hear you!
Big Boss: *Unenthusiastically.* Oh look its the reject one...
*The music to Daddy Wasnt There. You know the one in Austin Powers 3, its kind of 70s hippyish.*
Solidus and Big Boss: What the hell?!?!
Snake: *Shrugs shoulders.* Happens a lot recently, go with it...
*Liquid ties a hippie-like bandanna around his head and puts on his flares while psychedelic lights and patterns flash on the wall and starts dancing .*
Snake: At least get dressed behind the screen like I did! Thats unholy!
*Snake and co. start waving their hands in front of their face and twisting while throwing flowers around, Raiden however has got the wrong era and style of music- hes snarling, shaking and jumping around frantically in punk style.*
Raiden: Im so pretty oh so pretty, ahhhhh!
Snake: *Slaps him.* Hippie! Its HIPPIE! *Sighs.* Just do as I do...
Raiden: What? Smoke too much, drink too much, kill too much and spank th-
Snake: *Fires two Stingers at him and has fun watching them chase Raiden round the room.* Hes gonna be out for this number...
Liquid: Ehem...
Snake: Sorry forgot you were there...
Liquid: Grrr....
Snake: Non of out songs really start perfectly though... Anyway...
Liquid: *Starts his dance again and starts singing in a cockney accent.*
Daddy, Daddy wasn't there,
Daddy, Daddy wasn't there to take me to the lair,
It seems he doesn't care, Daddy wasn't there.
Daddy, Daddy wasn't there to buy that cuddly bear,
It seems he doesn't care, Daddy wasn't there.
When I first Decapitated, when I was slated,
When I was abducted, when I was fated.
When I was constipated, when I was alleviated,
When I was castrated, Daddy wasn't there.
Daddy wasn't there, war out!
If you got a Daddy issue, here's a Daddy tissue,
D to the A to the D-D-Y, D to the A to the D-D-Y.
Say it just fad but I've got a deadbeat dad,
D to the A to the D-D-Y, D to the A to the D-D-Y.
I sit in my room and cry, and eat my rhubarb pie,
D to the A to the D-D-Y, D to the A to the D-D-Y.
Daddy, Daddy, Daddy. D-A-D-D-Y. War, man!
*When the music stops all the funky clothes they were wearing magically go back into what they were wearing before- as happens in musicals...*
Raiden: *While dodging the Stinger missiles.* Noooooo, I loved my clothes...*Shakes fist at sky.* Why damn you why!!?
Snake: My bandanna! I want it pink again!
Big Boss: What did I do wrong?
Raiden: Hi uncle!
Solidus: I accept no responsibility for him and distance myself from him, socially AND legally.
Big Boss: Wow what is that...
Liquid: *Points at Solidus.* His war-child, I would never do a thing like that!
Big Boss: *Pats Solidus on the back.* Well done son. And did I hear a noise?
Liquid: *Hangs head down.* *Sniffle.* Ill just go then...
Big Boss: ......
Snake: .......
Solidus: .....
Wolf: ........
*Tumble weed rolls.*
Raiden: Dont go!
Liquid: Well Ive got to stay here anyway to take out Snake and now hes alive get my revenge on Big Boss... Mwahaha!
Snake: Huh?!
Liquid: *Shiftily.* Oh I said Id take you out - for a meal.
Snake: Aww thanks, youre a pal...
Liquid: Well its not as if youre expensive to take out, as long as the waitress have massive boobs youre happy...
Snake: And how am I... *Smirks.*
Big Boss: And the thing about revenge...
Liquid: Did I say revenge? *Laughs uneasily.* Ha ha, what I meant to say was: get my blancmange from.
Big Boss: Oh yeah about that. I kind of ate it...
Liquid: *Sobs.* But.. but... Waaahhhhh.
Big Boss: Is it just me or does that dude look like a lady?
Snake: Yeah, and just dont say any song titles, youre asking for it!
Big Boss: Asking for what?
*Music fades in...*
Big Boss: Oh no...
*When it gets a little louder you can hear the music is Dude Looks Like A Lady. by Aerosmith. Snake and gang pulls on their long rock hair wigs, apart from Raiden whos still running from the missiles. Solidus plays the air guitar, Otacon has dived to his knees - then plays the air guitar and everyone else it rocking on!*
*Snake sings - doing his best Steve Tyler impression .*
Cruised into a Shell on the shore
Her picture graced the grime on the door
She had long blonde hair and skin so light
Baby maybe its wrong but you know it's all right
That's right
Mental age of 9
Forgive me but I want a fun time.
Then she whipped out her gun,
It blew me away.
So never judge a book by it's cover ,
Or who you want to keep under your bed cover.
Could not resist her pretty blue eyes.
She had the body of a Venus,
Lord imagine my surprise!
Baby let me follow you down,
Let me take a peek dear.
Baby let me follow you down,
Do me, do me, do me, all night.
Baby let me follow you down ,
Turn the other cheek dear.
Baby let me follow you down .
Do me, do me, do me, sue me,
What a funky lady,
She like it like it like it like that.
He was a lady.
*The music stops, everything goes back to as normal as normal is around Snake and again no-one seems too disturbed, or scared...*
Raiden: Hahahaha! *To Stinger missiles hes been running from though-out this chapter.* You wont get me! *Puts hand over his eye.* If I cant see you- you cant see me!
Snake: *Lights up a cig, and watches the fun.* Should be good...
*BOoooooooooooommmmm.*
Raiden: Pains painful...
*Everyone gives Snake a weird look, because well, even as a girl Raiden would be disturbing.*
Snake: Raiden theres still one more...So Id start running again. *Sees peoples looks...* What? I like them dumb
Raiden: Thanks. *Starts running.* ARGHHHHHHH!!!
Meryl: Grrr
Snake: Oh crap...
Meryl: *Smiles to herself sneakily and hands Snake a dirty mag.*
Snake: Cool! You know I never thought you were so great. *Opens mag, gets into it starts drooling like always, but forgets the cig in his mouth which drops into his lap.*
Announcer: For younger people and just about everyone we have to censor the whole of Snakes sentence. *Hears particularly bad word Snakes using.* Wow I thought the Patriots banned that word! Anyway WHEN he finishes well get back to normal.
Snake: *Reduced to tears.* That. hurt. so. MUCH!
Meryl: Ha-ha, I was counting on that happening!
Snake: *Acting like a spoilt child.* Fine then, Ill just have to read some more of my special ones... Just to annoy you!
*He goes to his stack and opens one, he isnt suspecting a pin bomb Meryls set up to activate when he opens it though.*
Snake: Arghhhhhhhh!
Raiden: *Still running from the Stinger missile.* ARGHHHH!
Snake: No more mags again ever! I promise!
Meryl: It had to be done...
Snake: Yeah I mean the comedy value of watching that dumbass run like the sissy girl he is, is invaluable!
Meryl: I mean about the mags... *Sighs affectionately.* What am I going to do with you eh?
Snake: *Whispers to Meryl.* And thats what you could do with me if you want me to *Whispers again.* to do to you...
*Both disappear upstairs...*
